Fears & Insecurities

Assalamualaikum

Hi there! This will be my second post. Do I have fears? No I don't. Ceh, mesti semua macam muhong aih dia ni! Because everyone has! Haha ya true enough. Fine. I have one.  Hahaha. Sekejap, relax dulu. Dengar penjelasanku hehe.

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So here's the thing. I did have fears. My first fear, I was scared of the dark. But not now. I managed to overcome that fear by putting myself in the dark for several of times. And taraaa! I am no longer scared of it! My second fear was the ghost. Siapa yang memang tak takut hantu tu? Ada ke? Ada je. I believe so, yang memang dah terbiasa or hati sejak azali kental. Haha. However, this is the weird thing. In jenis yang tak hide daripada my fears. Jenis confront. I hate to have fears because that make me a weak person. And orang boleh ambil kesempatan. So my ghost story ni bukanlah I pergi cari hantu and confront hantu tu. But somehow, just somehow dekat rumah lama In when I was 12 years old, tengah study dalam bilik sensorang and having loud musics (more like partying je haha), In di tegur oleh satu suara dan I swear goosebump gila. Suara sejenis satu makhluk halus, Allahu'alam. Benda tu suruh In diam dengan nada marah. Ape kau?! Hahahaha ceh, padahal terus tutup music and lari pi hall depan tengok TV dengan family sambil hati berdebar tapi muka maintained tenang. So due to that incident, surprisingly In dah tak takut hantu. Hahaha. When I say dah tak takut, I did not mean I ok je kalau nampak hantu. No. Na'uzubillah min zalik taknak tengok. Hahahaha. Cuma you know, I macam okay je la selagi tak nampak hantu kalau I rasa ada benda creepy2 disekeliling, diperhati (banyak kali gak ni kena), I am still okay. Gitulah. So apa yang terjadi tu ada hikmah syukur. Hahah

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So far itu je yang In ingat apa yang In takut. Ya, sikit je. Sebab In jenis yang redah je so macam takde la takut2 tu. And noooowww, one thing left. Lemas. In takut lemas sebab tak pandai berenang. Kahkahkah. I am thinking of overcoming it by enrolling a swimming class. Belajar berenang lah kalau nak overcome that one and only fear left. So I am looking for a personal class or private class only for women and pengajar dia juga a woman so that aurat I terjaga. Hahahaha. But not sure when and where. Cadang nak masuk next year but kena tengok budget and masa. So will see la how. But this definitely in my bucket list to do. But this is not the reason why I tak nak mandi laut or sungai. I memang tak suka mandi laut and sungai sebab I rasa macam kotor. Ya I tau la air mengalir haha. I boleh je join mandi sungai but not laut or pantai kot sebab that means I have to buka my stoking and I tak selesa pijak pasir and risau that will trigger my eczema as well. Having eczema is no joke guys. I have to be cautious not to trigger it sigh. Kalau tak hidup I susah. hahahahaha. Serius.

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So note that yes, I have one fear left which is afraid of drowning :P  I love to improve myself. Love to be a better version of me by overcoming my weaknesses/fears. I confront my fears, every single time. I challenge and say to myself "look, there is nothing for you to be afraid of. Told you so, you can do it." That is how I live my life so far. I am not heartless or that brave but I just go for it, just do it. There is a reason why I am in a certain situation. And Allah won't put me in a situation where I cannot handle it. So yeah, with that, I become stronger. 

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What about feeling insecure? Meh. Not really in my kamus kehidupan. Hahahaha acah gila statement. LOL. But seriously, I rarely have it. I just love and appreciate myself. No space nak rasa insecure. Alhamdulillah 'ala kulli hal. That is all I can say. I am just grateful dengan apa I ada. The thing is, I tak compare myself to anyone. I compare my current self dengan my old self. I watch my progress from my past to my current. Macam I kata, I suka improvement so what I should do is to compare dengan my old self lah. Why should I compare dengan orang lain? Hmmmm, no idea why should I. Hahah.

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My life motto apa? Pujian tak makan makian tak diheran bukan? Let me spill this tea. My current weight last time I checked two weeks ago kot was 51.2kg. I used to underweight and now I have normal BMI okay. Waktu I underweight, people be like, "you should gain some weight. Kurus sangat ni." , "kedingnya hang, makan la banyak sikit", "tak cantik la muka nampak cengkung macam tu, bagi la berisi sikit" AND MANY MORE. 

My situation now, actually ramai kekawan lelaki I yang sengal je banyak tegur. Hahahaha. 

"Nampak bulat"

"Muka dah bulat"

"Pipi penuh"

"Penuh screen"

"Gemuk"

"Dah gemuk ya, bahagia ke"

"Double chin"

AND MANY MORE

I get a lot from my parents juga -____- 

While my female friends pula still kata I cantik even I berisi sikit kat muka. Elok macam ni compared to dulu. Diorang kata I still nampak kurus, and muka je berisi sikit but cantik je. Elok macam ni and many more.

Two opinions from two genders. Hahahaha. But know what? LIKE I CARE. Hahaha. The important thing is what I see, what I feel and what I care. Hahaha. Apa reaksi I to them?

"So?"

"Cantik je"

"Still comel"

You see, I did whine kata makin berisi dan nak diet and gi gym. But that is not because of them but because of me. I feel less fit macam dulu. Stamina I turun. And yes I tak suka la nampak double chin ketara sangat sometimes -___-. BUT, I still feel that I am pretty and cute. And nice. And good. And just okay. And happy. And yeah all sejenis pujian yang I nak puji diri sendiri. Hahahahaha. 

I have that such confidence like hanya Allah sahaja yang tahu dari mana I dapat or belajar lol. But please, this is to self motivate and self love, not to boast to anyone. Nanti jadi lain. Jadi penyakit hati. only use it when someone is "attacking" you. Show that their opinions not that important to you. Everyday i start my Subuh prayer dengan doa macam ni. 

"Ya Allah ya Tuhankan. Syukur alhamdulillah buat hari ini (masih hidup). Syukur alhamdulillah atas segala nikmat yang telah Engkau berikan. Ampunilah dosa-dosa kedua ibu bapa ku dan dosa-dosaku. Aku perbaharui iman ku dengan laillahaillallah. Ya Allah, Kau rawatlah dan bersihkanlah hatiku dengan segala jenis penyakit hati."

I'll stop there, for this sake of sharing. The last sentence is IMPORTANT, at least for me. Sebab when I simply saying ke orang bila orang ngusik I kan , "aku still cantik je" , "aku still comel". What is the harm? Takut ada penyakit hati disitu. That is only how I play defense and to shut people up, nothing more but benda kat dalam diri kita yang kita tak nampak or tak sedar, we'll never know kan? So I takkan lupa doa tu takut-takut hati I terjebak dengan penyakit hati. Haha. Be moderate okay. I jenis pemalu if orang puji actually like errr..... but if orang nak ngutuk or ngusik I, I takkan bagi ruang for them having fun of it. Say no to body shaming. I am okay. Hati kental ceh. Sebab I ada self confidence yang tinggi heh. But what IF diorang buat dekat orang lain yang sensitif, yang tak ada that high self confidence. Isn't it sad? Akan discourage them and you help nothing but only make them feel down and less beautiful/handsome. Tu yang buat orang lagi insecure. That is not nice. If you have nothing nice to say, keep quiet. 

So my point is kita tak akan ada that "useless" insecurity kalau kita stop comparing ourselves with other people. Belajar to see the beautiful and handsome in you. Apparently or in the inside. Appreciate it, be grateful and have that trust and belief that you are beautiful and handsome just the way you are. C'mon, Allah yang cipta kita. Takkan tak molek ;) You know, beautiful and handsome ni kan subjektif. Kalau memang you rasa diri you apparently kurang, but takkan you takde confidence yang lain? Attitude? Orang kata you tak cantik, you balas la "but attitude I comel". Just keep replying positive things that you see IN YOU. Orang kata you pendek, you balas "itu yang buat I comel." Orang kata you tinggi sangat, you balas, "But itulah buat I cantik/handsome". Kalau you dah confident, diorang nak cakap apa lagi? They are plain speechless LOL. Examples lah. 

Another thing, don't I get insecure when I have acne/pimples, and the damn scars? Also to any other issues related to "beauty" yang orang akan ukur kita. Cis. Hahaha. No, I don't. I hate to see them on my face like seriously. Apa masalah acne and the scars ni??! Hahaha. But I tak rasa insecure pun. What can I do? There are things out of my control. Macam berat badan I. I jaga, but dia nak naik juga. Hahahaha. Some things are beyond our control even we already took the precautions. So just embrace them and treat them dengan sabar..... hahahaha

BUT... I ni manusia biasa. I ada feeling insecure I dengan cara tersendiri. Eh gitu pun boleh. Haha ya. But me feeling insecure not due to orang lain but myself. For example, bila my eczema flares up. Itu selalunya akan buat I feeling insecure. I rasa macam nak duduk rumah je. Sebab tangan I akan naik biji-biji tau due to allergy reactions. So I akan rasa insecure nak jumpa orang bila I have to use my hand macam salam ke apa. I personally tak suka. Bukan berjangkit ke apa -___-, I selalu jumpa orang yang faham je but I still tak selesa la. Satu lagi self confidence I memang akan turun sebab I macam hm, ramai ke tahu eczema ni apa and macam mana? Kalau orang tengok what would they say and anggap? Having eczema memang tak boleh lari dari psychological and social issues. Facts. I admit it. Me having insecurity bila my eczema flares up. haha. I akan struggle a lot, tapi I tak tunjuk. It is a lonely fight, I tell you. Hahahaha. Sebab tu I selalu juga educate people pasal eczema. Just to make myself feel better and confident juga. ^_^ Also, eczema is something beyond my control as well. I keep saying this to myself untuk I feel less insecure. I mean, that is true right. 

I think setakat tu je I nak share mengenai post ni. Konklusinya, what I want to urge is that for all of you to love yourself. Do not let people define you and measure your standard. You define YOU. You measure your OWN standard. Do not let them trespass your confidence and self love okay?! Learn it and your life will be way better. Tenang dan aman. Bahagia. Macam I. HAHAHA. Remember, some things are just beyond our control so EMBRACE and ACCEPT them.

Okay till then, take care.

:: NN ::

Humans Trafficking

Assalamualaikum

Hi all. I am back with pretty much posts TODAY. This will be my first post. I actually promised to share this a few weeks back and on my IG story but somehow I did not manage to find a good time to construct it properly. And I decided to share it here due to another reason that my phone lcd is acting up. It is pretty difficult to type especially when I am going to use the side keys, it is hardly detect. New phone? Nah, I don't have much money to buy a new one and not in my priority list too lol. Enough saying, I am about to start my sharing on the first topic for today's post: Humans Trafficking.

I believe many of us are only familiar that all victims of trafficking are abducted. Well that pretty much be conveyed on TVs. However, it is NOT TRUE. The fact is those who migrate legally can be victims of trafficking as well. It is also NOT TRUE that all the victims are trafficked for the purpose of sexual exploitation (which is quite widely familiar to us). Hence, men also can be the victims. Trafficking is a worldwide problem.

It should be noted that humans trafficking is a criminal act. It violates human rights and also a form of exploitation. There are several types of humans trafficking such as:-

• Forced begging
• Forced labor
• Sexual exploitation
• Domestic servitude
• Forced, underage marriage
• Baby selling

Yes, thus it is not only for sexual exploitation as we saw on TVs (in movies mostly). Trafficked persons can be:-

• Male & Female
• Adult & Children
• Foreigners & Nationals
• A stranger, Family & Friend
• Migrant with legal migration status
• Migrant with illegal migration status or having no documents
• Smuggled migrants

It should be noted that not all trafficking occurs in the same way or situation. The local context and specific situation will determine who is most at risk and how they are exploited. Hence, it is a case to case basis. 

What are the most commonly causes of the root?

• Poverty
• Unemployment/lack of opportunities
• Social and cultural practices such as marginalisation/subordination of women, selling young women by their own families and others. 

There is actually a term which has known to be push and pull factors. What are these factors?

Push Factors

• Poverty and desperation
• Lack of education
• Unemployment
• Gender discrimination
• Domestic violence
• Live with dysfunctional families
• Impact of conflict or transition on countries
• Lack of opportunity for legal migration
• Low salary or sorts

These are among the Push factors that have pushed many people to get involved in trafficking. They have become the victims by their own choice due to the circumstances mentioned above.

Pull Factors

• Expectation of employment and financial reward including in the sex industry
• Growing demand for commercial sex with children associated with the tourist trade of Paedophilia
• Access to material benefits associated with a more affluent country
• Improved social position and treatment
• Perceived 'glamour' of a different daily life
• Demand of 'House Maids' work for women
• Demand of cheap labour

These are other factors that pull them to be involved in trafficking with or without them realising it. 

What are the consequences for the victims? Well, violation of human rights, no protection of labour laws, sexual and physical abuse or coercion, irregular status in the country of destination, victims treated as criminals, having risk or danger health and serious diseases physically as well as mentally, and last but not least difficult reintegration or stigmatisation. 

Talking about abuse and coercion. It can be other forms like excessive working hours, freedom of movement that is totally or partially denied, verbal or psychological abuse, not allowed to keep earned money or debt, sexual abuse or rape, forced substance abuse, deprivation of adequate food or water and lack of access to health care.

In regards of health risks, it depends. For example, due to physical abuse and deprivation may lead to physical health problems including death, contusions, cuts, burns or broken bones. When it involves threats, intimidation and abuse may lead to mental health problems including suicidal thought and attempts, depression, anxiety, hostility, flashbacks and re-experiencing symptoms. If it is specifically sexual abuse, it can lead to sexually transmitted infections that includes HIV. Others are like pelvic inflammatory disease, infertility, vaginal fistula, unwanted pregnancy, unsafe abortion and poor reproductive health. 

Should be noted that women that trapped in sex trafficking may have sex addiction. The solution is to bring them for a therapy session(s). You know, we all have this kind of 'addiction' when we are used to something. For example, those who smoke. So same goes to these women. "We only smoke, not doing any illegal sex." No issue is worse than another. Look for solutions than pointing out which is worse just to make ourselves to feel better. That is one evil thing a person can do, I must say. Again, just an example. Also, an example of pre-trafficking health risk where a certain condition influence a person's vulnerability to being trafficked is like when a girl has lack of love and hence will do anything for her boyfriend (to get attention and the love she has always wanted) that will then eventually traps in sex trafficking.

To be more specific, the victims may face several reactions. Firstly, as stated above, psychological reactions as follows:-

• Post-trauma stress symptoms or PTSD
• Anxiety 
• Depression
• Suicidal thought
• Hostility or symptoms of Intermittent Explosive Disorder (IED)

Secondly, the emotional reactions as follows:-

• Fear of retribution by trafficker, of being criminally prosecuted and punished and of being thought of as a prostitute
• Guilt for allowing oneself to be deceived, for violating the law and/or religious beliefs, for failing to raise the money needed by the family
• Anger with themselves for getting into this type of a situation, with those who did not defend them and with society in general

Lastly, behavioral reactions as follows:-

• Cognitive and memory problems
• Withdrawal, irritability or aggression
• Apathy or resignation
• Helplessness, submissiveness 
• Dis-empowerment

So, by looking at the consequences we may say that there are some reasons why the victims do not leave. For example, restricted movement like be kept in a restricted area to limit contact with the community and to extract the maximum work. Another example when their passports and documents are taken. So they have fear of be seen as migration (illegal) and of the law enforcement by the authorities in the country. Lastly, might be because of violence and abuse in which they are in poor condition and having lack of access to health services.

Besides having consequences on the victims, this also affects the countries of origin, transit and destination. This leads to the increase of irregular migration, growth and diversification of criminal organisation/activities as well as violation of national legislation on migration, labour and human rights.

In addition, trafficked persons don't self-identify because of the following reasons:-

• Fear their traffickers
• May not see themselves as victims
• May suffer 'Stockholm Syndrome' (developed a misguided attachment to the trafficker)
• May have post traumatic stress disorder and memory loss
• May not trust immigration and police
• May feel responsible for a family debt
• May not speak local language/cultural differences
• May be confused with prohibited/irregular migrant

It is hence important for us to identify trafficked persons. They are of the victims of organised crime and may have serious security concerns as well as information about criminal groups that they are willing to share. The victims also may have the urgency in requiring specialised treatment and care. This identification can help to build case data for policy and programming purposes too. 

You know, once a person is identified as a trafficked victim, the person is then offered protection, security and assistance. 

Section 44 of Anti-Trafficking in Persons and Anti-Smuggling of Migrants  Act 2007 (Act 670)

Interim Protection Order

(1) An enforcement officer may, on reasonable suspicion that any person who is found or rescued is a trafficked person, take that person into temporary custody and produce him before a Magistrate within twenty-four hours, exclusive of the time necessary for the journey to the Magistrate’s Court, for the purpose of obtaining an interim protection order.

(2) The Magistrate shall make an interim protection order for the person to be placed at a place of refuge for a period of fourteen days for the purpose of carrying out an investigation and enquiry under section 51. 

(3) The enforcement officer shall, upon obtaining the order issued under subsection (2), surrender the trafficked person to a Protection Officer to place that trafficked person at the place of refuge specified in the order.

Section 43 of Anti-Trafficking in Persons and Anti-Smuggling of Migrants  Act 2007 (Act 670)

Protection Officers

(1)  Social Welfare Officers or any other public officers to exercise the powers and perform the duties of a Protection Officer under this Act subject to any condition as may be specified in the notification. 

(2) The Protection Officer shall— 

(a) have control over and responsibility for the care and protection of the trafficked person at the place of refuge; 

(b) carry out an enquiry and cause to be prepared a report of the trafficked person as required under this Act; 

(c) have the power to supervise the trafficked person upon order by the Magistrate or direction by the Minister; and 

(d) have such other powers, duties and functions as the Minister may prescribe.

In conclusion, trafficked persons experience the cumulative effects of physical and psychological violence with significant health consequences. Hence, health care is essential to the recovery of trafficked persons. 

All of these information are basically from what I have learnt throughout my duty at Tenaganita (Women's Force), Penang. I hope this post can be a little bit of an eye opening and help many people to understand this issue better. Let us be less ignorant and care on what is happening around the world, closely around us. With that, I shall hope to see a better world for our next generation(s).

Thank you.

:: NN ::

Wan I Miss You

Assalamualaikum

Hi semua. Hows your life? Mine kinda good. Just busy with some stuffs ^_^. My post today is something personal that I feel today.

Harini my Dad pergi pasar. He met Toksu (adik beradik arwah Wan). The first thing she asked was me. When I heard that, I felt so touched. You know, losing you Wan was so difficult for me although I managed to smile and laugh. My life has changed tremendously. Sometimes, I feel so lonely without you. I feel so lost and do not know what to do without you. Because you always have the answer to my questions. Just like Google! 

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You know, today I feel this bizarre feeling again. I don't feel anything but it hurts. Sometimes, the memori-memori dengan Wan membawa senyuman dan tawa. But there are still times membawa tangisan. The fact that you are no longer here with me still membawa kesedihan. Dah berapa tahun Wan? Too soon, too soon. Tak puas. I still need you. Maybe sebab tu rasa sedih tiba-tiba. Mungkin Tuhan nak kata I should stop to feel and think such way and what I need is only Allah. 

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Today, rasa macam dah dapat lagi satu jawapan. Wan, I think all those times Wan sebenarnya tahu what I am like. Segala usikkan Wan tu, sebab Wan tahu diri ni bagaimana. Wan, I promised to myself untuk realisasikan usikkan Wan tu. Tapi kan Wan, still nowhere to be found lah ^^'' haha. Wan, lepas Wan pergi I am not sure anymore about things I did and will do. Dulu ada Wan untuk meluahkan dan berkongsi. Mendengar pandangan. Sekarang no one I can rely and trust. It's just so difficult. Jadi hanya Allah tempat mengadu dan meluahkan. 

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Wan, mula-mula Wan pergi dulu lepas a few months Maktok menyusul. Lepas tu Nenek (moyang). Lepas tu Tokngah. Terkilan waktu pemergian Tokngah. Tak dapat hantar Tokngah pergi Makkah. Tahu-tahu je dah tak balik :') ... Tapi sebab Tokngah pergi dengan mulia sekali dan di tanah suci, senang untuk redha. Tapi still sedih. I miss everyone. Sedih sangat bila all the elders pergi seorang demi seorang sebab I still need doa-doa from the elders. Setiap tahun ada yang pergi Wan. Baik disebelah Abah mahupun disebelah Emak. Tapi tak apa lah, buat apa lama-lama didunia yang semakin merapu dan tenat ini, Wan. Baik berehat disisi Allah. But still, I hope Toksu terus sihat dan dipanjangkan usia because cucu-cucu Toksu still ada masih kecil and I want them to feel the love from a grandparent, make memories with Toksu lagi banyak.

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Wan, I feel so tired this month. Maybe sebab tu juga affect my emotion and mental sampai teringatkan Wan dan again rasa macam how I wish Wan ada. Wan, tak lama dulu ada interview this one suspect di charged atas memiliki dadah. Seorang pakcik around 40+ I think, tak ingat umur dia. Anak dia ada didalam penjara atas sebab ambil dadah. After end of the interview session kan Wan, you know what... Pakcik tu cakap

'Nanti bila awak kahwin, janganlah bagi atuk nenek jaga anak awak'

I smirked. Malas nak cakap banyak. I disagree, Wan. Senangnya putting the blame on other people. Not sure grandparents dia maksudkan itu mak ayah dia atau mentua dia but still. Mungkin penyesalan dia hanya sebab biar mak ayah dia jaga anak dia dan anak dia tersasar dari jalanan. Dia tak sedar, bukan itu punca utamanya. Sebenarnya dari didikkan dia sendiri walaupun beri mak ayah dia jaga anaknya. Anak itu bukan sekadar anugerah dan amanah tetapi boleh jadi ujian buat kita. Lupa nak tanya, dia solat ke tak. Selalunya kan Wan, apabila ibu bapa tak solat, anaknya juga sama dan seterusnya, tahu-tahulah apa jadi dengan mereka dan keluarga. 

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Sebenarnya kan Wan, my point is I live sampai sekarang dengan didikkan Wan yang dapat every weekend and during the school holidays when I stayed with you. Dengan berbekalkan nasihat dan pandangan Wan, diri ini jadi manusia sebegini sekarang disebabkan itu Wan. Nasihat dan ajaran Wan dan Maktok. Kedua-duanya. Both of you gave good examples to me. I picked up a lot from both of you. Every weekend jumpa Wan dan Maktok. Cuti sekolah panjang duduk dengan Wan and Maktok with other cousins. In fact, akak Munira kecil-kecil tinggal dan dijaga Wan dan Maktok. Elok saja akak. Nak kahwin dah pun. In syaa Allah dengan orang yang baik. Dan akan jaga dia baik-baik sepertimana keluarga menjaga dia. ^_^. 

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Orang selalu tanya macam mana diri ni matang dari usia. One of the reasons sebenarnya sebabkan Wan. Wan selalu bersembang dan tanya to me like an adult. Wan selalu handle diri ni like an adult or a friend. Bila dah besar ni, I like the way how you did not let my hand go selagi tak jawab soalan Wan. When you asked in English, I must replied in English. Kalau replied bahasa Melayu, tak dilepas tangan ni. Hahaha. If I were to find a man to marry, I would like that man to resemble you. Sedikit pun tak pe sebab tahu susah cari orang macam Wan ni ;) One in a million. Maktok beruntung! Sebab tu Maktok pun tak boleh pisah dengan Wan lama-lama dan menyusul Wan. Hm, sweet. Hahaha.

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Okay Wan, I know you cannot read this. But the possibility for Allah to let you know what I feel ni, Allahu'alam. Ouh ya, sampai sekarang kan Wan... hari yang mimpikan Wan tu dan Wan peluk tu. Sampai sekarang masih terasa kehangatan pelukkan Wan. Felt so real, Wan. And everytime terasa kehangatan tu, I thank Allah. Rasa macam the best gift ever from Allah. Semoga Allah lapangkan kubur Wan, Maktok, Nenek, Tokngah, Kakek, Nek Piah, Uncle Aleng, Uncle Zahrin, Paklang Syukri, Pandak Zaini, Wan Shukor dan lain-lain. I miss all of you. Semoga kalian semua berada dalam keadaan baik-baik di alam sana dan moga-moga kita bakal jumpa di syurga nanti. One of the motivations I want to do goods in this life is because dengan harapan nak masuk syurga jumpa balik semua ahli keluarga. Semoga diri ini sentiasa berada di jalan yang benar dan berada dalam rahmat dan jagaan Allah. I need that, to see all of you again. 

Till then. Have a really good rest, there.

:: NN ::