Sunday, January 12, 2020

Are Parents Perfect?


This question simply came across my mind while I was on my Instagram, spamming my Insta Story like most of the time, without feeling guilty but you will see me expressing how sorry I am from time to time just because of courtesy-kind-of-thing hehew. I made a poll on this and most who participated it voted for "Nope". That surprised me. I thought many people would say "Yes" simply because they are being a good kid to their parents kehkeh. My answer would definitely be a NO because I stick to the ground and be realistic.

DISCLAIMER: This is only my personal opinion and how do I feel. This is basically my perspective and no one is bound to follow. Honestly saying, I cannot understand those who said Yes, their parents are perfect. Wow, good for you I guess. I might be able to relate with those who are in the same mind as me. hahah. However, along this writing journey, I might TRY to see the-Yes-perspective. Will see how.


Enough of mukadimah. Like I said, my parents are not perfect. What do I expect? They are just a human like me, like each of us. They are also tend to make mistakes as a parent. Parenting is a lifetime learning. The more number of children you have, the more challenging it is as each kid has his or her own character/personality. With such certain personality then comes towards a different way or approach to teach and bringing them up healthily. 

If I were going to say my parents are perfect, I would expect them to not make mistakes in any way. I would expect them to know me very well in and out. I would expect them to understand me in every aspect. I would expect them not to hurt me in any way. I would expect them to be an ideal parents like I have in mind. However, at the end of the day with those expectations, I would definitely get hurt. Thus, I avoid thinking and viewing them as perfect parents to me. I would hurt myself and I would hurt them more if I were going to say they are perfect parents. 

The reality is very contrary to those expectations I have just mentioned. I am not sure how and what is the reason or some people be able to see and view their parents as perfect parents. Guess, their parents might really did a great job in parenting or maybe some people are just too wayyyyy positive. Hahaha. Weh, until now my parents selalu mistaken my likes and dislikes. Like my favourite foods, foods that I cannot eat due to eczema and etc. 

But let me say something. Despite my parents' imperfections, I know they already tried their best in raising me and my two elder brothers. I know they are always trying their best to give us comfort. But that does not mean they are perfect. Tiada manusia sempurna, tetapi tidak salah mengejar kesempurnaan. That is what they are doing and that is why they are trying their best being a parent. By that reasons, I prefer to use "good" and "the best" parents. My parents are the best parents for me despite their imperfections. Me too, and my brothers, we are not perfect children. We are just humans. I do not like spitting out sweet words and forget my ground lol. Me being their only daughter I admit that I am very lacking in so many ways and aspects. hahaha. But I seek for improvements and so do my parents. 

I see and I accept my parents' imperfections. Another kind of acceptance in any relationship. Family, friendship and spouses. The imperfections that can only be accepted by the TRUE and RIGHT people in our lives. Hahaha.

You see, I do not always speak up my mind. It depends. I ve been taught to share how was my day to my parents and my late granddaddy. So I would share what I learned, what did I have for my breakfast, lunch and dinner. Did teacher or friends say anything (good or bad). Like telling them stories. But, it is different by asking how I felt on that day. Or how I felt learning the subjects or having them as teachers. How I felt meeting new friends. I ve never been asked by my parents about my feelings and thoughts. Only my late granddaddy could see straight in my eyes what I felt and what kind of problem did I have. Honestly, when I was a kid, I had a lot of questions in my mind. I had a lot of things to speak up from my mind and heart. But I did not manage to spit them out as I thought I would be rude. As I thought I would hurt my parents' feeling. As I thought I was too young to even speak up. That was truly sad, I must say. Thus, since I was a kid I could not wait to reach a certain age where I can speak up my mind and heart.

When I was a kid, I felt like I was an unhappy kid. Too much to handle but I could not even say it out loud my likes and dislikes. I waited for my parents to ask me certain things but at the end of the day, I just wasted my time. That deeply hurt my feeling. I felt lonely and all I have was Allah. Fuh, kecil-kecil dah drama macam ni. Sendiri-sendiri punya drama, tak involved orang lain. I bottled up everything. Dikala malam yang sepi, air mata basahi pipi dan lenaku bersama bantal yang dibanjiri. Hahahaha. Belum lagi nak hadap segala persepsi masyarakat ke atas anak bongsu which was truly not happening to me, in my family. Hahaha. My own drama continued with me thinking I might be an adopted child lmao. Gambar abang-abang I masa kecil lagi banyak daripada I. Padahal zaman I lahir lagi maju daripada diorang. I ni satu-satunya anak perempuan, like no excitement ke?! Hahahahaha! That is one of the reasons why bila I semakin meningkat dewasa, I suka bergambar. Kind of revenge and self-comfort lol! My parents were so strict by the way. I also waited for the day where I can break their rules. LOL.

A little bit of my 'history' to show that I ve never been taught to speak up. To share my thoughts and feelings. Having someone to listen to me. To focus on me. I mostly bottled up everything. However, somehow... when I was in standard four I guess...somehow, I had been 'guided' on how to deal with my inner-self conflict. I somehow, (lepas ni banyak somehow okay. Sebab entahlah macam mana terjadi. Like simply happened uh hm) learned to be understanding---by any means. I stopped asking questions, I give a reason instead. Long short story, I came into a conclusion that I must see my parents as a human. Yes, they are my parents. There is a very long list of what-a-good-parent-should-do & how-to-bring-up-your-child kind of things that exist in this world. But those are only guidelines in which my parents would tend to make mistakes and overlook (if they had any). When they did something wrong in my eyes, or hurt my feelings ke apa... I would just brush it off and said to myself, "they are just a human". Poof, I felt good. Because I understood them being my parents but at the same time they are just a human. Human makes mistakes. So okay, I am good. Hahaha. I could not speak up to make myself felt good so another way was this way. Which I still practise until today. I do not have any expectation on them for being perfect parents that won't hurt my feeling, or won't misunderstand me and sorts. What did I achieve? The result of being understanding and realising my parents are not perfect because they are just a human is that I feel at peace. My mind and my heart. No emo kid. No rebellious kid. Haha.

I ve grown up now, and when I almost reached my 20s, I tend to be more open (not totally op though) especially to my parents. I speak up my mind and tell them about my feelings (without waiting them asking obviously) when I feel I must to. There are things I let them know. There are times I will correct them, explain to them so that they can treat and understand me better. I cannot expect them to know everything and like I said, they tend to forget things too. Hence, I need to keep telling and reminding them.

I felt grateful because I started to learn these when I entered into law school (foundation and degree). I enhanced my communication skills especially towards my parents. My point here is communication. This is the age I have been waiting for, wuuuhuuuu. Where I can speak up and be blunt, be honest of every single thing with condition, it brings good to everyone. How to speak up? I speak up plus with examples or reasonings/explanation. I don't simply speak up sahaja. Dia macam ni, hang tak suka something tu or nak kata benda tu salah mesti ada sebab dia. Hang kena habaq. Kalau hang tak habaq, hang ni macam sejenis biadap main cakap lepas pakai lutut. Macam tu. If you have good communication skills, you can easily speak up. You must learn. No one was born with good communication skills. They are good because the way their parents brought them up or they just learned it anywhere, practising it everyday. I am still learning and improving my communication skills too.

Last but not least, intention & sincerity. This is important. At the end of it, what I want is for them not to misunderstand me. So my intention must be good and I must have the sincerity in delivering it so that benda tu sampai. In syaa Allah.

The turning point in my inner-self conflict and daily life is when I started to speak up. No longer bottled up things. I let all out through writings or speaking or sharings. Some might say, it is mature when you hold some things, not to speak up. It depends on the individual. That does not define maturity. Rasa matang sangat eh bila pendam macam-macam. Wait until you feel like you want to explode. Wait until you feel sesak kat dada, serabut fikiran. So is that matang? No, tu self-destruction. Self-destruction tidak menunjukkan kematangan but just decisions failure or to know yourself. Orang yang matang is someone who knows how to handle things correctly. Yang tak membawa kepada self-destruction. You are wise and you have a high focus in guiding yourself towards a betterment. I was in a position yang suka pendam until I felt (kind of) depressed and worthless. Pendam eats you slowly inside. Sakit.

When I started to view my parents as a human, it helped me a little bit away from mental illness. How? No expectation from them. If they did great, good. If they made something wrong, I tell. That is how a home should be. Correcting and completing each other. Together make improvements. Less pressure and rasa tak puas hati tu when I try and understand why my parents did such and such. You know, usually they thought that they made it right with good intention. Let's be honest, even us, NOT all things we did as we thought they were the right things to do, were actually right. We flawed guys. All of us.

Another way round, you might feel the burden from your parents' expectation. The all typical Asian parents do. That can lead to mental illness. Some might take it as a motivation and some might take it as a burden. Not all kids be able to have a positive and strong mindset regardless how excel they are in school. Sebab tu ada budak yang bunuh diri even they got great result but you know, they just felt it was still not enough to reach their parents' expectation, they felt worthless and had enough of it. Hm. This is for our futures, when we have our own family. Or to those who just started a family. For Muslims, be a Muslim parent. Not an Asian parent. Islam taught us well in treating the children from phase to phase. How should the parents be when their children below seven, then after seven, next during teenager/young adult and adult. Being a parent for me is to ASK and LISTEN more, than to tell. Guide them, not order them.

My parents' expectation sometimes are still burdening to me. As if I need to live for them. No, I need to live for myself. Kalau ikut dulu, I lantakkan my parents' expectation. I did my best for myself improvements/achievements. Not to feed in my parents' expectation. I memang dari dulu tak fikir pasal orang lain but myself. Haha. I tadah telinga je kalau parents puji anak orang lain ke. Banding-bandingkan ke apa. Typical Asian parents lah. Haha but I just brush it off. I somehow have the ability to do like that LOL. But now, instead of tadah, I speak up. I explain myself. Not wrong to explain myself to my parents. They have the right to know and to understand us. The thing is us as children do not always give them chances to do so. Because we bottled up and they thought what they did was right. Hahahaha. C'mon we are all adults now. Slow talks. Communication again. But in case, kalau ada budak bawah 20 baca ni, I am suggesting you to start open up slowly with your family if you find yourself suffocating. My relationship with my parents are way better now than I see myself when I was a kid. Hahaha. I think for them was always okay since then. They never knew I felt like this kot. I tak pernah share what I felt when I was a kid. So for me, I just started to feel right. Uh hm. ^_^

So , do not limit your children's activity and their ability to express. Ask their days and feelings and thoughts. Let them 'examine' you being their parents. Let them correct you. Leave your ego the all-parents-do-are-right-and-the-best-for-their-children. No, sometimes you just thought it would be the best but it was not. You did not even ask. Say sorry when needed. You as parents also need to realise that you are a human that will definitely make mistakes. IFFFF, ifff you really thought and confirmed what you did was correct, then TALK & EXPLAIN. Let your children see through you. And ASK them again whether they understand and whether they are okay. Home is where love is. Love comes in all forms.That is family. For me. 

For some people, a negative, stressful, or unhappy family atmosphere can lead to mental illness, commonly depression. That is why in my view the major role in bringing a healthy, bright child starts from a family. Parents have their own roles and responsibilities and we the children too with good assistance from our parents, will have control over how we see situations and how we can cope. Try to make efforts in thinking positive. In my case, ouh my parents are just a human. It's okay for them to make mistakes. I acknowledged it. This help to build resilience where the ability to help us bounce back and do well even in difficult or confused situations. 

So family plays the most important role in making us away from mental illness. Family is said to be the strongest support system. Parents and children (family) need to understand each other's responsibilities. Parents and children need to acknowledge that all of us are not perfect and will make mistakes. Forgive and learn. What I can see, to those saying their parents are perfect might saying them perfect out of courtesy hahah and they acknowledged their parents' efforts in being the best parents for them. So they view them as perfect parents. Or, maybe their parents are almost perfect in the sense that they have high intelligence and parenting skills. Their understanding in psychology is high too. Good for them, happy for them! We can see too when the children are mentally healthy and emotionally stable. When their communication skills since young are high. Must come from HOME.

All in all, I feel grateful that I do not lose faith and keep being patient. There are so many other things I keep inside which only me and Allah know. Because for me, that is enough. But some other things when I feel I need to voice out, so I will. So long my mind and heart is at peace. I feel mentally strong and healthy. I feel emotionally stable. Alhamdulillah. Still not too late to change little by little. Get to know yourself. When you have a family of your own later, start a fresh. Improve whatever needs to be improved so that your children will be better than you in the sense of mental health and emotional health. 

Emotional health is an important part of overall health. People who are emotionally healthy are in control of their thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. They are able to cope with life’s challenges. They can keep problems in perspective and bounce back from setbacks. They feel good about themselves and have good relationships. Being emotionally healthy does not mean you are happy all the time. It means you are aware of your emotions. You can deal with them, whether they are positive or negative. Emotionally healthy people still feel stress, anger, and sadness. But they know how to manage their negative feelings. They can tell when a problem is more than they can handle on their own. They also know when to seek help from their doctor.
It is hence a skill. A skill that can be polished from home. Till then. Fi hifzillah wa fi amanillah.

 :: NN :: 

Monday, December 23, 2019

Let's Be Real


Hi there, howowyou? Okay, I do not intend to berseloroh in this post like my previous post. But sometimes, I hardly stay serious, still nak berannoying. Please bear with me if I accidentally made it here. This will be my third post and might be the last post for today. Well, just realised I'll be having another holiday on 25th so why the rush? haha.


What's up with the title. Let's be real? I actually have received a plenty and the same-like statements made from people around me regardless of their age and gender. Which I would like to make this clear to those who are reading this. I know people meant it good but I just feel like I have to say. I am not having the same thought or feeling like them. And this post, is a message to my future man yang entah siapa ^^,. 

They say that, kalau ada lelaki dapat I, the man is lucky. They say the man is lucky to have me for what ever reasons they gave to me. I don't have to list them here. What's the point anyway. What is important is my future man punya penerimaan terhadap diri I yang tak seberapa ini. Ceh. Ok, let's be serious again. But I was serious sikit okay tadi just a little bit cringed with my own words lol. I memang tak seberapa pun, banyak lagi ruang to be improved along this journey till I meet you, and continue improving along the journey with you till my last breath. 

You know, it is not you that will be lucky. But it is me being lucky to have you. I do not really know why it is hard for me to trust a person, and to love someone. Is it because of the prayers I make everyday? To fall in love with the correct person and probably till now I haven't found one? God knows. Only Him knows. But when one day I decided to trust you and give my love to you, will be my luckiest day. Because that shows how trustworthy, loving, reliable and responsible you are. You just manly unlocked my heart. "YOU JUST UNLOCKED MY HEART", the day I'll be waiting for selagi nyawa dikandung badan. That shows how you manage to show me what is trust and love. That shows how you manage to teach me to give my trust and love to someone, and that someone is you, my future man. 

So ya, it is not him but me, the lucky one. I feel contrary with other people. The way they see it is different from the way I see. Gosh, I am now full of love that makes me one to be puitis tiberrr :P 

Let's be real, is what I have always wanted since I was small. That is why, I have no intention to have a boyfriend. The uncertainty (becoming my husband) for me is a waste of time. Hahaha. I hate to imagine hearing someone saying that "she (me) is my girlfriend" or "i am her (me) boyfriend". No. That is not my standard. No offense. I am not degrading the status of being someone's girlfriend or boyfriend. It's just not me to be someone's girlfriend. I like mature and serious relationship. In my love journey, I would like to skip that boyfriend-girlfriend part, I swear. Haha. If a person mature enough, boleh faham that boyfriend girlfriend is unnecessary.

I realised, I lagi tak suka when I have a bad experience about it. Dah pernah cerita. Takpe I cerita balik. When I was in standard 6, I don't know who but a boy just simply picked my name saying that I am his girlfriend, we are couple now to my childhood friend. Behind my back. My childhood friend started to cari pasal dengan I until form 2 or 3. I had not idea why he treated me so badly. What did I do? Until one day I got to know that he was so heartbroken with the false statement made by that unknown boy. My childhood friend liked me so yeah that explains. I did not know as well though until everything messed up. He was being so toxic and I cut him off, lost contact. I swear sampai sekarang teringat sedih gila. Like, he should ask me, get clarification instead of percaya buta-buta and lost this friendship. I tak rugi. Dia rugi. I jujur orangnya, and he failed to see hahahahaha. What a shame. >_< :P

If my future man has his past relationship/s, would I get jealous or insecure? Ye lah I takde kisah lampau untuk dikenang atau dibandingkan -_-.... The answer is definitely a NO. Insecure what-again? (You know if you read prev post) Hahaha. Sebab he has me now and I have him. Is it enough to answer? Hahaha. I am pretty much confident though with myself LOL. Tapi tak tahu lah kan manusia ni berubah. Tengok-tengok nanti timbul rasa insecure tu. But you know, I jenis tak layan that kind of perasaan sangat. Kalau ada pun I am just glad because isn't that means I love him? Gitchu. But not having any suspicious thing la. If i accept someone, it is because of his current and our futures. If he has failed past r/s (s), he can just learn from it not to repeat again with me :P , I am new so kasi la chance, beri tunjuk ajar :P See, I have special play card :P Sorry not sorry lol.

Having to know of his past relationship/s tak beri efek to me because when I have him, means I accepted him, when I accepted him, means he showed to me how serious he is to be with me. Kalau I tak nampak masakan I nak accept and to give my trust and love. Hahaha. My fasa kenal-kenal is not simply kenal-kenal at the same time I or him can just cuba kenal-kenal other person yang lain. My kenal-kenal means that I am serious to get to know you and won't playing around and he must do the same. Until one of us decided cannot go to the next phase, just be friends or until both of us decided we can go to the next phase. It is either one. I do not "venture" to couple thingy because I tak suka the idea of "ownership" as a couple. If you know what I meant. Kalau tak, sudah. Hahaha

I have to be transparent now. Actually ada je lelaki baik-baik datang. But you know, like I always say, tak semestinya orang tu baik untuk kita, kita juga baik untuk mereka and vice versa. What is important right now is the acceptance. Accept what? Kebaikan dan kekurangan dia. Dan dia juga menerima kekurangan dan kebaikan I. Menerima kebaikan, easy. Benda baik kan. Haha. But menerima kekurangan? Benda main dengan hati ni agak complex :)

For example, lelaki A kekurangan dia merokok. Lelaki B kekurangan dia juga merokok. But somehow, I can accept lelaki B daripada lelaki A. Why though? Kekurangan diorang sama je. Well, I don't know. "Mysteriously" I FEEL like I can just accept Lelaki B punya kekurangan. Hahahaha. That is one of the ways I can know that man probably a good jodoh to me. Benda ni variables, not everyone has the same hint or journey in meeting someone. Usually, it cannot be explained but the acceptance tu memang important.

I actually ada cakap pasal ni but tak ingat kat mana. Blog ke ig story ke or ig caption. Hahahaha. Lebih detail. Right now, I don't find the correct words and way to express. Hehew. But tu salah satu contoh acceptance lah. Ada yang lain, you guys might be more expert :P

Anyway, that is what I really wanted to tell. To tell my future man that if you dengar my side (friends la usually) cakap you are lucky to have me, no..I feel like I am the lucky one. But kalau good friends they will say you are so malang to have me. Please. Trust them separuh je. HAHAHA. 

Till then peeps and my future man ;)

Fi hifzillah wa fi amanillah. 

:: NN ::

Fears & Insecurities


Hi there! This will be my second post. Do I have fears? No I don't. Ceh, mesti semua macam muhong aih dia ni! Because everyone has! Haha ya true enough. Fine. I have one.  Hahaha. Sekejap, relax dulu. Dengar penjelasanku hehe.


So here's the thing. I did have fears. My first fear, I was scared of the dark. But not now. I managed to overcome that fear by putting myself in the dark for several of times. And taraaa! I am no longer scared of it! My second fear was the ghost. Siapa yang memang tak takut hantu tu? Ada ke? Ada je. I believe so, yang memang dah terbiasa or hati sejak azali kental. Haha. However, this is the weird thing. In jenis yang tak hide daripada my fears. Jenis confront. I hate to have fears because that make me a weak person. And orang boleh ambil kesempatan. So my ghost story ni bukanlah I pergi cari hantu and confront hantu tu. But somehow, just somehow dekat rumah lama In when I was 12 years old, tengah study dalam bilik sensorang and having loud musics (more like partying je haha), In di tegur oleh satu suara dan I swear goosebump gila. Suara sejenis satu makhluk halus, Allahu'alam. Benda tu suruh In diam dengan nada marah. Ape kau?! Hahahaha ceh, padahal terus tutup music and lari pi hall depan tengok TV dengan family sambil hati berdebar tapi muka maintained tenang. So due to that incident, surprisingly In dah tak takut hantu. Hahaha. When I say dah tak takut, I did not mean I ok je kalau nampak hantu. No. Na'uzubillah min zalik taknak tengok. Hahahaha. Cuma you know, I macam okay je la selagi tak nampak hantu kalau I rasa ada benda creepy2 disekeliling, diperhati (banyak kali gak ni kena), I am still okay. Gitulah. So apa yang terjadi tu ada hikmah syukur. Hahah


So far itu je yang In ingat apa yang In takut. Ya, sikit je. Sebab In jenis yang redah je so macam takde la takut2 tu. And noooowww, one thing left. Lemas. In takut lemas sebab tak pandai berenang. Kahkahkah. I am thinking of overcoming it by enrolling a swimming class. Belajar berenang lah kalau nak overcome that one and only fear left. So I am looking for a personal class or private class only for women and pengajar dia juga a woman so that aurat I terjaga. Hahahaha. But not sure when and where. Cadang nak masuk next year but kena tengok budget and masa. So will see la how. But this definitely in my bucket list to do. But this is not the reason why I tak nak mandi laut or sungai. I memang tak suka mandi laut and sungai sebab I rasa macam kotor. Ya I tau la air mengalir haha. I boleh je join mandi sungai but not laut or pantai kot sebab that means I have to buka my stoking and I tak selesa pijak pasir and risau that will trigger my eczema as well. Having eczema is no joke guys. I have to be cautious not to trigger it sigh. Kalau tak hidup I susah. hahahahaha. Serius.


So note that yes, I have one fear left which is afraid of drowning :P  I love to improve myself. Love to be a better version of me by overcoming my weaknesses/fears. I confront my fears, every single time. I challenge and say to myself "look, there is nothing for you to be afraid of. Told you so, you can do it." That is how I live my life so far. I am not heartless or that brave but I just go for it, just do it. There is a reason why I am in a certain situation. And Allah won't put me in a situation where I cannot handle it. So yeah, with that, I become stronger. 


What about feeling insecure? Meh. Not really in my kamus kehidupan. Hahahaha acah gila statement. LOL. But seriously, I rarely have it. I just love and appreciate myself. No space nak rasa insecure. Alhamdulillah 'ala kulli hal. That is all I can say. I am just grateful dengan apa I ada. The thing is, I tak compare myself to anyone. I compare my current self dengan my old self. I watch my progress from my past to my current. Macam I kata, I suka improvement so what I should do is to compare dengan my old self lah. Why should I compare dengan orang lain? Hmmmm, no idea why should I. Hahah.


My life motto apa? Pujian tak makan makian tak diheran bukan? Let me spill this tea. My current weight last time I checked two weeks ago kot was 51.2kg. I used to underweight and now I have normal BMI okay. Waktu I underweight, people be like, "you should gain some weight. Kurus sangat ni." , "kedingnya hang, makan la banyak sikit", "tak cantik la muka nampak cengkung macam tu, bagi la berisi sikit" AND MANY MORE. 

My situation now, actually ramai kekawan lelaki I yang sengal je banyak tegur. Hahahaha. 

"Nampak bulat"
"Muka dah bulat"
"Pipi penuh"
"Penuh screen"
"Dah gemuk ya, bahagia ke"
"Double chin"


I get a lot from my parents juga -____- 

While my female friends pula still kata I cantik even I berisi sikit kat muka. Elok macam ni compared to dulu. Diorang kata I still nampak kurus, and muka je berisi sikit but cantik je. Elok macam ni and many more.

Two opinions from two genders. Hahahaha. But know what? LIKE I CARE. Hahaha. The important thing is what I see, what I feel and what I care. Hahaha. Apa reaksi I to them?

"Cantik je"
"Still comel"

You see, I did whine kata makin berisi dan nak diet and gi gym. But that is not because of them but because of me. I feel less fit macam dulu. Stamina I turun. And yes I tak suka la nampak double chin ketara sangat sometimes -___-. BUT, I still feel that I am pretty and cute. And nice. And good. And just okay. And happy. And yeah all sejenis pujian yang I nak puji diri sendiri. Hahahahaha. 

I have that such confidence like hanya Allah sahaja yang tahu dari mana I dapat or belajar lol. But please, this is to self motivate and self love, not to boast to anyone. Nanti jadi lain. Jadi penyakit hati. only use it when someone is "attacking" you. Show that their opinions not that important to you. Everyday i start my Subuh prayer dengan doa macam ni. 

"Ya Allah ya Tuhankan. Syukur alhamdulillah buat hari ini (masih hidup). Syukur alhamdulillah atas segala nikmat yang telah Engkau berikan. Ampunilah dosa-dosa kedua ibu bapa ku dan dosa-dosaku. Aku perbaharui iman ku dengan laillahaillallah. Ya Allah, Kau rawatlah dan bersihkanlah hatiku dengan segala jenis penyakit hati."

I'll stop there, for this sake of sharing. The last sentence is IMPORTANT, at least for me. Sebab when I simply saying ke orang bila orang ngusik I kan , "aku still cantik je" , "aku still comel". What is the harm? Takut ada penyakit hati disitu. That is only how I play defense and to shut people up, nothing more but benda kat dalam diri kita yang kita tak nampak or tak sedar, we'll never know kan? So I takkan lupa doa tu takut-takut hati I terjebak dengan penyakit hati. Haha. Be moderate okay. I jenis pemalu if orang puji actually like errr..... but if orang nak ngutuk or ngusik I, I takkan bagi ruang for them having fun of it. Say no to body shaming. I am okay. Hati kental ceh. Sebab I ada self confidence yang tinggi heh. But what IF diorang buat dekat orang lain yang sensitif, yang tak ada that high self confidence. Isn't it sad? Akan discourage them and you help nothing but only make them feel down and less beautiful/handsome. Tu yang buat orang lagi insecure. That is not nice. If you have nothing nice to say, keep quiet. 

So my point is kita tak akan ada that "useless" insecurity kalau kita stop comparing ourselves with other people. Belajar to see the beautiful and handsome in you. Apparently or in the inside. Appreciate it, be grateful and have that trust and belief that you are beautiful and handsome just the way you are. C'mon, Allah yang cipta kita. Takkan tak molek ;) You know, beautiful and handsome ni kan subjektif. Kalau memang you rasa diri you apparently kurang, but takkan you takde confidence yang lain? Attitude? Orang kata you tak cantik, you balas la "but attitude I comel". Just keep replying positive things that you see IN YOU. Orang kata you pendek, you balas "itu yang buat I comel." Orang kata you tinggi sangat, you balas, "But itulah buat I cantik/handsome". Kalau you dah confident, diorang nak cakap apa lagi? They are plain speechless LOL. Examples lah. 

Another thing, don't I get insecure when I have acne/pimples, and the damn scars? Also to any other issues related to "beauty" yang orang akan ukur kita. Cis. Hahaha. No, I don't. I hate to see them on my face like seriously. Apa masalah acne and the scars ni??! Hahaha. But I tak rasa insecure pun. What can I do? There are things out of my control. Macam berat badan I. I jaga, but dia nak naik juga. Hahahaha. Some things are beyond our control even we already took the precautions. So just embrace them and treat them dengan sabar..... hahahaha

BUT... I ni manusia biasa. I ada feeling insecure I dengan cara tersendiri. Eh gitu pun boleh. Haha ya. But me feeling insecure not due to orang lain but myself. For example, bila my eczema flares up. Itu selalunya akan buat I feeling insecure. I rasa macam nak duduk rumah je. Sebab tangan I akan naik biji-biji tau due to allergy reactions. So I akan rasa insecure nak jumpa orang bila I have to use my hand macam salam ke apa. I personally tak suka. Bukan berjangkit ke apa -___-, I selalu jumpa orang yang faham je but I still tak selesa la. Satu lagi self confidence I memang akan turun sebab I macam hm, ramai ke tahu eczema ni apa and macam mana? Kalau orang tengok what would they say and anggap? Having eczema memang tak boleh lari dari psychological and social issues. Facts. I admit it. Me having insecurity bila my eczema flares up. haha. I akan struggle a lot, tapi I tak tunjuk. It is a lonely fight, I tell you. Hahahaha. Sebab tu I selalu juga educate people pasal eczema. Just to make myself feel better and confident juga. ^_^ Also, eczema is something beyond my control as well. I keep saying this to myself untuk I feel less insecure. I mean, that is true right. 

I think setakat tu je I nak share mengenai post ni. Konklusinya, what I want to urge is that for all of you to love yourself. Do not let people define you and measure your standard. You define YOU. You measure your OWN standard. Do not let them trespass your confidence and self love okay?! Learn it and your life will be way better. Tenang dan aman. Bahagia. Macam I. HAHAHA. Remember, some things are just beyond our control so EMBRACE and ACCEPT them.

Okay till then, take care.

:: NN ::