Hi there! This will be my second post. Do I have fears? No I don't. Ceh, mesti semua macam muhong aih dia ni! Because everyone has! Haha ya true enough. Fine. I have one. Hahaha. Sekejap, relax dulu. Dengar penjelasanku hehe.
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So here's the thing. I did have fears. My first fear, I was scared of the dark. But not now. I managed to overcome that fear by putting myself in the dark for several of times. And taraaa! I am no longer scared of it! My second fear was the ghost. Siapa yang memang tak takut hantu tu? Ada ke? Ada je. I believe so, yang memang dah terbiasa or hati sejak azali kental. Haha. However, this is the weird thing. In jenis yang tak hide daripada my fears. Jenis confront. I hate to have fears because that make me a weak person. And orang boleh ambil kesempatan. So my ghost story ni bukanlah I pergi cari hantu and confront hantu tu. But somehow, just somehow dekat rumah lama In when I was 12 years old, tengah study dalam bilik sensorang and having loud musics (more like partying je haha), In di tegur oleh satu suara dan I swear goosebump gila. Suara sejenis satu makhluk halus, Allahu'alam. Benda tu suruh In diam dengan nada marah. Ape kau?! Hahahaha ceh, padahal terus tutup music and lari pi hall depan tengok TV dengan family sambil hati berdebar tapi muka maintained tenang. So due to that incident, surprisingly In dah tak takut hantu. Hahaha. When I say dah tak takut, I did not mean I ok je kalau nampak hantu. No. Na'uzubillah min zalik taknak tengok. Hahahaha. Cuma you know, I macam okay je la selagi tak nampak hantu kalau I rasa ada benda creepy2 disekeliling, diperhati (banyak kali gak ni kena), I am still okay. Gitulah. So apa yang terjadi tu ada hikmah syukur. Hahah
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So far itu je yang In ingat apa yang In takut. Ya, sikit je. Sebab In jenis yang redah je so macam takde la takut2 tu. And noooowww, one thing left. Lemas. In takut lemas sebab tak pandai berenang. Kahkahkah. I am thinking of overcoming it by enrolling a swimming class. Belajar berenang lah kalau nak overcome that one and only fear left. So I am looking for a personal class or private class only for women and pengajar dia juga a woman so that aurat I terjaga. Hahahaha. But not sure when and where. Cadang nak masuk next year but kena tengok budget and masa. So will see la how. But this definitely in my bucket list to do. But this is not the reason why I tak nak mandi laut or sungai. I memang tak suka mandi laut and sungai sebab I rasa macam kotor. Ya I tau la air mengalir haha. I boleh je join mandi sungai but not laut or pantai kot sebab that means I have to buka my stoking and I tak selesa pijak pasir and risau that will trigger my eczema as well. Having eczema is no joke guys. I have to be cautious not to trigger it sigh. Kalau tak hidup I susah. hahahahaha. Serius.
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So note that yes, I have one fear left which is afraid of drowning :P I love to improve myself. Love to be a better version of me by overcoming my weaknesses/fears. I confront my fears, every single time. I challenge and say to myself "look, there is nothing for you to be afraid of. Told you so, you can do it." That is how I live my life so far. I am not heartless or that brave but I just go for it, just do it. There is a reason why I am in a certain situation. And Allah won't put me in a situation where I cannot handle it. So yeah, with that, I become stronger.
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What about feeling insecure? Meh. Not really in my kamus kehidupan. Hahahaha acah gila statement. LOL. But seriously, I rarely have it. I just love and appreciate myself. No space nak rasa insecure. Alhamdulillah 'ala kulli hal. That is all I can say. I am just grateful dengan apa I ada. The thing is, I tak compare myself to anyone. I compare my current self dengan my old self. I watch my progress from my past to my current. Macam I kata, I suka improvement so what I should do is to compare dengan my old self lah. Why should I compare dengan orang lain? Hmmmm, no idea why should I. Hahah.
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My life motto apa? Pujian tak makan makian tak diheran bukan? Let me spill this tea. My current weight last time I checked two weeks ago kot was 51.2kg. I used to underweight and now I have normal BMI okay. Waktu I underweight, people be like, "you should gain some weight. Kurus sangat ni." , "kedingnya hang, makan la banyak sikit", "tak cantik la muka nampak cengkung macam tu, bagi la berisi sikit" AND MANY MORE.
My situation now, actually ramai kekawan lelaki I yang sengal je banyak tegur. Hahahaha.
"Nampak bulat"
"Muka dah bulat"
"Pipi penuh"
"Penuh screen"
"Gemuk"
"Dah gemuk ya, bahagia ke"
"Double chin"
AND MANY MORE
I get a lot from my parents juga -____-
While my female friends pula still kata I cantik even I berisi sikit kat muka. Elok macam ni compared to dulu. Diorang kata I still nampak kurus, and muka je berisi sikit but cantik je. Elok macam ni and many more.
Two opinions from two genders. Hahahaha. But know what? LIKE I CARE. Hahaha. The important thing is what I see, what I feel and what I care. Hahaha. Apa reaksi I to them?
"So?"
"Cantik je"
"Still comel"
You see, I did whine kata makin berisi dan nak diet and gi gym. But that is not because of them but because of me. I feel less fit macam dulu. Stamina I turun. And yes I tak suka la nampak double chin ketara sangat sometimes -___-. BUT, I still feel that I am pretty and cute. And nice. And good. And just okay. And happy. And yeah all sejenis pujian yang I nak puji diri sendiri. Hahahahaha.
I have that such confidence like hanya Allah sahaja yang tahu dari mana I dapat or belajar lol. But please, this is to self motivate and self love, not to boast to anyone. Nanti jadi lain. Jadi penyakit hati. only use it when someone is "attacking" you. Show that their opinions not that important to you. Everyday i start my Subuh prayer dengan doa macam ni.
"Ya Allah ya Tuhankan. Syukur alhamdulillah buat hari ini (masih hidup). Syukur alhamdulillah atas segala nikmat yang telah Engkau berikan. Ampunilah dosa-dosa kedua ibu bapa ku dan dosa-dosaku. Aku perbaharui iman ku dengan laillahaillallah. Ya Allah, Kau rawatlah dan bersihkanlah hatiku dengan segala jenis penyakit hati."
I'll stop there, for this sake of sharing. The last sentence is IMPORTANT, at least for me. Sebab when I simply saying ke orang bila orang ngusik I kan , "aku still cantik je" , "aku still comel". What is the harm? Takut ada penyakit hati disitu. That is only how I play defense and to shut people up, nothing more but benda kat dalam diri kita yang kita tak nampak or tak sedar, we'll never know kan? So I takkan lupa doa tu takut-takut hati I terjebak dengan penyakit hati. Haha. Be moderate okay. I jenis pemalu if orang puji actually like errr..... but if orang nak ngutuk or ngusik I, I takkan bagi ruang for them having fun of it. Say no to body shaming. I am okay. Hati kental ceh. Sebab I ada self confidence yang tinggi heh. But what IF diorang buat dekat orang lain yang sensitif, yang tak ada that high self confidence. Isn't it sad? Akan discourage them and you help nothing but only make them feel down and less beautiful/handsome. Tu yang buat orang lagi insecure. That is not nice. If you have nothing nice to say, keep quiet.
So my point is kita tak akan ada that "useless" insecurity kalau kita stop comparing ourselves with other people. Belajar to see the beautiful and handsome in you. Apparently or in the inside. Appreciate it, be grateful and have that trust and belief that you are beautiful and handsome just the way you are. C'mon, Allah yang cipta kita. Takkan tak molek ;) You know, beautiful and handsome ni kan subjektif. Kalau memang you rasa diri you apparently kurang, but takkan you takde confidence yang lain? Attitude? Orang kata you tak cantik, you balas la "but attitude I comel". Just keep replying positive things that you see IN YOU. Orang kata you pendek, you balas "itu yang buat I comel." Orang kata you tinggi sangat, you balas, "But itulah buat I cantik/handsome". Kalau you dah confident, diorang nak cakap apa lagi? They are plain speechless LOL. Examples lah.
Another thing, don't I get insecure when I have acne/pimples, and the damn scars? Also to any other issues related to "beauty" yang orang akan ukur kita. Cis. Hahaha. No, I don't. I hate to see them on my face like seriously. Apa masalah acne and the scars ni??! Hahaha. But I tak rasa insecure pun. What can I do? There are things out of my control. Macam berat badan I. I jaga, but dia nak naik juga. Hahahaha. Some things are beyond our control even we already took the precautions. So just embrace them and treat them dengan sabar..... hahahaha
BUT... I ni manusia biasa. I ada feeling insecure I dengan cara tersendiri. Eh gitu pun boleh. Haha ya. But me feeling insecure not due to orang lain but myself. For example, bila my eczema flares up. Itu selalunya akan buat I feeling insecure. I rasa macam nak duduk rumah je. Sebab tangan I akan naik biji-biji tau due to allergy reactions. So I akan rasa insecure nak jumpa orang bila I have to use my hand macam salam ke apa. I personally tak suka. Bukan berjangkit ke apa -___-, I selalu jumpa orang yang faham je but I still tak selesa la. Satu lagi self confidence I memang akan turun sebab I macam hm, ramai ke tahu eczema ni apa and macam mana? Kalau orang tengok what would they say and anggap? Having eczema memang tak boleh lari dari psychological and social issues. Facts. I admit it. Me having insecurity bila my eczema flares up. haha. I akan struggle a lot, tapi I tak tunjuk. It is a lonely fight, I tell you. Hahahaha. Sebab tu I selalu juga educate people pasal eczema. Just to make myself feel better and confident juga. ^_^ Also, eczema is something beyond my control as well. I keep saying this to myself untuk I feel less insecure. I mean, that is true right.
I think setakat tu je I nak share mengenai post ni. Konklusinya, what I want to urge is that for all of you to love yourself. Do not let people define you and measure your standard. You define YOU. You measure your OWN standard. Do not let them trespass your confidence and self love okay?! Learn it and your life will be way better. Tenang dan aman. Bahagia. Macam I. HAHAHA. Remember, some things are just beyond our control so EMBRACE and ACCEPT them.
Okay till then, take care.
:: NN ::
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