2016

2016.

Assalamualaikum… Masih belum lewat kot untuk wish Happy New Year (LOL)!!! ^^,  Maaf lama menyepi sebab busy dengan life as a student ceh… haha. Sekarang baru faham kenapa kekawan bloggers yang masuk sahaja universiti especially sambung degree, terus lenyap menyepi. Rupa-rupanya ku pun sebegitu rupa hahaha. How was my 2016? Sejujurnya, peh memang tahun paling mencabar dan boleh kata tahun dimana diri ini hit the rock bottom! Tahun kejatuhan. Jatuh segalanya. Hahaha. I went through a lot of pains, emotionally and mentally.

Permulaan 2016 agak baik. Dan I got anugerah dekan. Alhamdulillah. One of my targets tercapai. Ada lah beberapa target 2016 tercapai. But sukar, duka dan kesedihan tu jauh lebih banyak. Melepasi pertengahan tahun rasanya, I feel like tahun 2016 sangat panjang. Dan rasa macam each and every day, I’m dying hahahaha. Little by little. Rasa terlalu penat dengan segalanya. I went through a few days of kemurungan (but not so serious hahaha tapi memang rasa murung sungguh). I am usually orang yang sangat positif, punya emosi dan mental yang sangat kuat. Tahu handle everything about myself, but not last year. Last year, I just lost myself. I do not even know who I am anymore. That hurts me so much. When I feel I am no longer me, myself. Apabila orang tanya, ‘Apa maksud tak rasa macam diri sendiri? Macam mana diri you sebenarnya. Why, how rasa tak macam diri sendiri…’ and blablablaaa… I’m sorry, I couldn’t explain because ia sesuatu yang tak dapat diungkap dengan kata-kata. Sesuatu yang tidak boleh diterangkan secara lisan. I am the only one yang faham, tahu dan rasa. Not like I am not being myself or faking, tapi I just feel like THIS IS NOT ME. Itu permulaan stress 2016.

Of course, I laughed, I smiled… tapi dalam hati, and ketika sendirian tu, Tuhan sahaja yang tahu. I cried a lot last year lewls! Selalunya, diri ni sejenis yang kurang memerlukan support and really independent and boleh fikir almost-most of the time secara rational, tenang and cool. But not last year! I truly needed my friends’ support, and of course family as well. Friends---, kawan-kawan jauh dimata dekat dihati. My primary/secondary schoolmates, also my foundation-mates. They were with me and kept checking on me. They listened to me, without judging me. They gave me a lot of wise words. They knew how to comfort me. I am truly grateful. Korang tahu lah siapa korang :) Even every little word or action I appreciate much. Ada yang menambah garam diluka, I was struggling and secara mental and emosi mana lah nak stabil! Buttttt, the way he/she comforted me likeeee, uh oh… Nevermind, lepas ni tahu lah, dia bukan orangnya untuk aku mendapatkan semangat or nasihat ke apa. Hahaha.

Also, I am still struggling living here in Terengganu. Not because of Terengganu. Terengganu is such a nice place :) But the circumstances and because of some people here. Ada one day tu, at one point I felt ‘that’s it. I’m so done!’ Kebetulan ada cuti 4 hari kot time tu. Cuti Diwali ke? Tak ingat but I packed my things and I went back home. Sebelum tu my Abah called me. I was struggling inside out at that time. And selalunya dapat cover but at that time I couldn’t say anything and I just cried. I said I wanna go home even cuti sekejap. Abah suruh balik and discuss things. So yeah I went back and discussed a few things with my Abah :)  I decided not to cerita banyak mengenai ni. Mula-mula macam nak try to share in detail but kelamaan I think, nah, nevermind. If benda ni berulang lagi pada tahun ni, 2017, and orang yang sama juga puncanya, I’ll definitely share it. Kalau boleh siap nak tulis nama lagi. Hahaha nah kidding. I didn’t really blame anyone but I couldn’t ignore the fact that memang ada orang buat rebut jugak. Hahahaha. Sorry NOT sorry.

What is my solution to overcome masalah-masalah pada tahun lalu, 2016 is, I’ll try not to care sangat pasal orang. Cuba untuk utamakan diri sendiri dulu walaupun ia sebenarnya bukanlah ada dalam diri ini sangat. I mean, dari kecil membesar dengan nilai jaga orang, like utamakan orang dulu semua blablabla then tiba-tiba nak berubah sikit supaya tak terlalu fikirkan orang, tak terlalu cuba memahami orang so..yeah. The problem sebenarnya yang diri ni jenis mudah tahu pasal orang sampai timbul rasa simpati, empati and rasa even orang tu buat salah pun, tak boleh nak marah because I know, why he or she behaves like that. I am a person yang mudah untuk memahami orang, then berbaik sangka then, not going to judge but at the end, diri sendiri terasa hati. Is okay kalau orang tu sendiri bagitau straight to my face anything but I am not going to find out his or her state of mind ke feeling ke mood ke or whatsoever daaaaa….. hahaha. I am truly tired and if tertahu anything pun I’ll just close my eyes, my ears and my mouth and buat tatahu je lah. Kalau orang tu sendiri approach to share ke to luahkan ke apa then okay. If not, kalau ada cakap belakang ke terasa belakang ke apa I’ll just close my eyes and all. Not going to care, you take care of yourself, your emotions and feelings by yourself. That’s it. Also ada a few more solutions but I’m still thinking of it to do or not to do.

So actually ada panjang lebar gila gila gila nak share but I decided not to disclose everything because I’m in a good mood now so here’s my first post in 2017 and also setelah sekian lama berdiam diri dalam dunia blogging. Sorry! Will blogwalking nanti nak tengok those little kids and babies anak-anak kawan bloggers dah membesar mana or maybe dah masuk anak ke-2 ke apa oh myyyyy! Will visit you guys soon! Take care! Assalamualaikum.

ps: Sorry it took me longer than I expected to post! Sebab INTERNET/WIFI TAK ADA. Manusia hanya mampu merancang. Tuhan yang menentukannya ^^, hiks

:: NN ::